Setting the Table: Emotional Connections to Household Furniture

We got our table from my wife’s parents. They had purchased it from a yard sale when shortly after getting married. It was made sometime around World War II. She had grown up around it with her family well before we would make it our own. Except for the time she was away at school or before we got married, it was part of her life. When I first met her family at their house, it was at that table we hung out playing card. Once it became part of our home, it saw our children being born, learn how to eat, have their first birthdays, and move through life’s stages.

There is something special about the table where families share their meals together. Whether in the dining room, kitchen, or some other location in the home, memories are made at the place whether family gathers. There is something fundamental about eating together, or what is known as commensality. Experts will tell you that there are many benefits to families eating together, taking time at the end of the day to share a meal and share news of the day.

An Easter display at our old table

But we do much more than eat together at our family table. Birthdays are celebrated. Math homework is surmounted. Vacations are planned. Holidays are observed. Puzzles are completed. Deaths are mourned. You can trace the entire life of a family through events that happen around the family table. Look through any family album, you will see the table as witness to the events captured in those pictures.

When you sat on one of the chairs of our hand-me-down table, or pushed on its surface, the culmination of the years of use announced itself with squeaks and creaks. The table wobbled on its still sturdy legs. The surface bore the marks of arts and crafts projects, nail painting, Easter egg decorating, and other activities that it dutifully supported. Despite its charms, it had clearly seen better days. We had discussed getting it stripped and redone in order to hold onto it. However, the cost and process was overly prohibitive. Our choice was to continue to use our old and creaky table, or search for a replacement.

Anne’s Table in its new home

You might decide you need to replace your own table, but such a decision is only theoretical until you actually find a possible replacement. Through Facebook Marketplace, my wife found a potential candidate. The post showed a table that was the size we wanted, the price we wanted, and the pictures showed the condition we wanted. But did we really want to give up the table that was part of our family? After a conversation, and some feelings of nostalgia, we decided to make the change. Our family table would now be replaced by another family’s table.

To get the table, we ended up having to travel to a retirement facility, where residents lived in their own modest apartments. We were met by the daughter-in-law of the owner. We learned that the owner’s name was Anne, and that Anne would no longer need the table because she would not be returning to her apartment. When we entered Anne’s apartment, we could see that all of Anne’s belongings were being boxed up, showing a sense of finality in her affairs. The reason the table was available for us to purchase was because Anne would no longer have the space for it where she would now be living. This was confirmed by another resident that my wife chatted with. As we were moving chairs into the elevator, the woman stopped my wife and said, “That must be Anne’s table. I heard she’s not coming back. We used to play cards together.” Perhaps Anne and her friends played cards at this very table.

This led me to think of what other kinds of events took place around Anne’s table. It was slightly worn, but well cared for. It was solid and subtly ornate. Its high-backed chairs gave a regal sense to it. I tried to imagine when Anne bought it with her husband, their excitement when they finally brought it into their home for the first time. Then I wondered what lifetime of memories took place around Anne’s table, which was now our table.

To find out what place it had in Anne’s life, My wife contacted the daughter-in-law to ask about the table. Her response provided a glimpse into its storied history.

The table that you bought today has been in my husband's family for at least 35 years.  I know that because that is how long we have been together.  That table spent most of those 35 years in a lovely Dutch Colonial in Fitchburg.  For the last 4 years, it has been at (her residence), where my mother in law moved after she sold her home.  That table was the gathering point for many celebrations.  

Children, grandchildren, and countless friends sat in those chairs solving problems, eating, crafting, and crying.  That table was where our friends ate in 1993 at our rehearsal dinner.  It was the gathering spot for receiving friends and visitors after my father in law passed in 2010.

It is steeped in history and holds many secrets.

I know that your family will enjoy it and treat it with the same care that my mother in law did. It served her well for so many years and it is rightful that it begins a new chapter as the gathering spot for your family and friends.

Thank you for buying it.  It was breaking our hearts that no one wanted this lovely piece.

These words hung in my mind as I took apart our old table to make room for this one. I don’t think it was just that no one wanted the table which was breaking their hearts; it was how could no one want this table? It was a fine table, and it has a lot of life and memories left in it. And how do you simply throw away a piece of furniture that meant so much to so many moments? I don’t think that we were just being thanked for buying it, but also for saving it.

Making new memories with friends

We pondered the same questions and dilemma regarding our old table. Rather than simply discard it, we put it on a site to give away household items. Very shortly after posting the notice, someone emailed to claim it. My wife warned the person about its wobbles, its squeaks, its discoloration and imperfections. The woman responded, “That’s okay. I just think these old tables are studier than the new ones.” And so our table went to a new home, as Anne’s table moved into ours.

It is easy to say that ‘possessions’ are just ‘stuff’. This statement is true, but only to a point. Some items are more than just objects in a home; they are a central part of a family’s life. The significance of any object, or any symbol, can be traced to the meaning attributed to it by others. As an ethnographer, I know that even the most seemingly insignificant object can be immensely powerful in terms of its social meaning. I have a hard time thinking of another object in the home than the family table (although we did feel crushed when we finally got rid of the baby crib used by our three daughters).

When doing ethnographic work, take a moment to ask the next simple question, like “What can you tell me about this table’s role in your family’s life?” Look for those objects that fade into the background even though they are central to people’s lives. By exploring these objects, you are actually exploring the fabric of the meaning that people have created together over time, unlocking memories and moments that matter.

Anne’s table has settled in nicely. We have had family dinners at it, chatted with each other, and it has even become comfortably cluttered. While it is our table, it will always be Anne’s table. I hope we can add to its life in the same way, and honor those memories and secrets it holds.