The Tricky Nature of Gratitude: Balancing Out the Positives and Negatives in Life

The Tricky Nature of Gratitude: 

Balancing Out the Positives and Negatives in Life 

 One of the things that has always annoyed me is talking to “At least’ers.” You probably know the type. You might be complaining about something with work, family, finances, or anything else. The At leatst’er is recognized by their response, “At least you’re not.........” or “At least you.........” If I was to say, “I can’t believe how bad the New England Patriots look in training camp,” the At least’er is going to say, “At least you have all those Super Bowl wins.” You get the idea. Even idle complaining is met with an accusation of not having gratitude for what you do have.  

Clearly this can go to ridiculous extremes. You might say, “I can’t believe how hot it’s been outside.” The At least’er could respond, “At least you are not working in this heat in a slave labor camp in the jungles of South America.” Fair point. Things could in fact be worse than they currently are, and in many situations much much worse. It is important to keep in mind just how much worse it could be, and have gratitude for what we have. 

Easy commute to work.

Photo by Leonie Zettl on Unsplash

At the same time, there is nothing wrong with complaining and noticing what you would like to be different. Not being complacent about how things are and noticing what needs to be changed are vital elements of making progress. We might think about ‘weaponized gratitude’ as a technique for stifling change and negating a source of complaint. When I hear someone give me that “At least” line of argument, I immediately feel like the issue I raised has been cancelled out by such a response. 

When I think about gratitude, then, it is not just a matter of not complaining, but giving thanks for what has been given. What’s more, they are not mutually exclusive. I can simultaneously notice what I would like to see changed while at the same time having gratitude for what is present in my life. If I am complaining about something taking place in my organization, it doesn’t mean I’m not thankful for having a job to complain about. Or if I am not thankful for that job, I might be thankful for other things. Thus, gratitude becomes not an ‘belief’ or orientation, but a ‘practice’ that reflects an ongoing effort to recalibrate our perception to not get stuck in the negative. Actively showing gratitude by writing it or verbalizing it helps to etch it more firmly in our minds and hearts.  

Creating a practice of gratitude and thankfulness can feel like an uphill challenge. With social media and the onslaught of ‘bad news’, it feels like cortisol is constantly flooding our bodies to fight against stress and anxiety. Additionally, we live in a culture that teaches us to not appreciate what we have, but to focus on what we want which turns into what we need. Capitalism (especially consumption capitalism) requires constant purchasing to provide profit. The more thankful I am for what I have, the less likely I am going to be to shop.  

Of course, our own mindsets can impede our ability to practice gratitude. I personally have a hard time breaking out of a mindset of negativity. Cynicism, materialism, envy, and narcissism all can make practicing gratitude difficult. Once again, there is nothing wrong with cynicism per se. Being skeptical and cynical can be useful to identify things that need to be changed or guarding against the motivations of others. But when cynicism blinds us to what might be good and what we should express gratitude for, then it might be time to reduce cynicism and expand gratitude.  

The practice of gratitude can ground ourselves in the here and now, rather than thinking about some imagined ideal of where we would like to be or like to have. Gratitude doesn’t negate dreaming and hoping. It does, however, embed us in what is around us so that we are not just living in a state of wanting versus appreciating. Gratitude also creates an awareness of the assets and gifts we have rather than our needs and gaps. We can show gratitude for anything no matter how seemingly small or insignificant. In fact, the more we can appreciate the small things, the more likely we can make a successful gratitude practice. 

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Creating an organizational practice of gratitude can take a very similar form. Rather than focusing on organizational needs, why not focus on organizational assets. What do we have that we can give thanks for by recognizing and supporting? How do we take time to appreciate what we have accomplished versus what we have left to do? In what ways might we create a catalogue of shared appreciation? 

Some organizational practice might include being able to nominate others for small things that made a difference. Small tokens of gratitude that are frequent and not performative can be essential. A Harvard Business Review article touted the benefits of gratitude and impact on organizational work. Like in our own lives, gratitude has numerous benefits that can’t be overstated. 

At the same time, a cultural of gratitude shouldn’t feel like a mass delusion. Dr. Loren Soerio wrote about “The Dark Side of Staying Positive” in Psychology Today. In the article, he speaks of toxic positivity as a state of being too upbeat and superficially positive. We shouldn’t avoid dealing directly with stress, trauma, and negative circumstances. He continues, “Excessive, inappropriate positivity, in the face of serious situations, can be oppressive, alienating, or even harmful.” 

That we show gratitude does not mean it papers over the problems and challenges. It does mean that the problems and challenges are not all we see. Rather, the good and bad, the positive and negative, the assets and deficits, all provide their own opportunities for growth and connection, if we just acknowledge them together to make progress possible.  

As some suggestions, we might consider the following: 

• When focusing on the negative or positive, we might consider toward what end are we doing so. Are we being negative for the sake of being negative, or being constructive? Is our positivity to avoid real problems that exist?  

• Invite others to share gratitude with. A gratitude group can be helpful in terms of reinforcing the practice and shifting our focus to what is around us versus what we believe we need. 

• Look for patterns and opportunities for connecting gratitude with critique. Things that we are thankful for might be helpful in helping us address other things we’d like to change. 

• Make sure that it is authentic gratitude in terms of believing and feeling thanks. It can be easier to physiologically experience negativity. Try to connect body and mind around gratitude as well.